If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
