There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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