I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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