There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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