Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
