yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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