Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
