:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
