so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
