awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
