he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
