i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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