the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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