Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize