Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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