Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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