i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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