I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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