So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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