# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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