So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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