remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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