the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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