Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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