she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
