i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
