he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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