"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
