I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
