my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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