my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
