i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
