I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
