I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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