these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
