My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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