im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
