I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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