If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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