I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
