so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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