I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
