everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
