he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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