I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
