Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She bit a glass in half.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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