how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
