Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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