he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
