I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Houston, we have a blender
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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