Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
