I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize