I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
