Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
