My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
