party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
