Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
