just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
