Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
