Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
