Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize