I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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