I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
