Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
