hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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