they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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